| slowly winding down |
[24 Nov 2008|12:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"hallelujah" jeff buckley |
] |
I don't know where to start without being too specific. Small problems have become large problems without being the main problem. I'm scared. I wish I could talk about it more. I wish the "smaller" problems would fix themselves. I wish every problem would fix itself. Every time I see him I get more and more confused. Who can I talk to?
My dentist appt is today. I'm terrified. I have to get skin grafts(sp). It sounds quite frightening. I'm scared.
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| you cut me open |
[05 May 2008|10:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
when is it going to start being ok again?
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| the world is spinning way too fast... |
[30 Mar 2008|01:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the spill canvas |
] |
how long has it been?
benny and I broke up. I'm not exactly thrilled... he want it to be permanent and I do not. school is not going well. nothing seems to be going well.. except work. heh. Going to work is like escaping from my life for a few hours. I try not to think about anything going on outside of the place. he is stopping over today to drop off my stuff and hopefully talk... we'll see how well that goes...
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| library on a saturday. |
[08 Sep 2007|06:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
so... it has been quite a long stretch since my last entry. wow.
I'm back in school which is quite wonderful. I finally think I'm at the right mindset to be in school. I like ALL of my classes... although hebrew is QUITE difficult. I suppose I'm just going to have to double the effort into the class. The language is quite the extreme... as far as learning it goes... My philosophy class is great. Asian religion is quite interesting. I feel like I've already learned a lot about the Hmong. All of my professors seem really great too... at least so far. I have been reading so much for my classes... that I haven't been able to finish 'on the road.' All in good time...
Another exciting thing is that the film festival is coming up quite soon- and I hope to see some really great films.
ANOTHER thing is that I finally have a job (at least temporarily). I'm on a 90 day trial period at bluemound country club starting Wednesday.
Library on a Saturday. We no longer are getting free internet at the house... so currently we are lacking it. I am here at the library... just got done doing homework. Only 1 week of school so far and I have been doing lots... whether it be reading... or practicing Hebrew. **I got 100% on my first philosophy quiz too**
I love it.
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| list of wants |
[16 Nov 2006|05:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the mars volta |
] |
*to be rid of this feeling of restlessness
*to be able to travel with krysten again
*to have a lot of money
*to settle things with jenni
*jess to come home
*to stop feeling suffocated
*to do better in school
*energy
more to come. I'm just really sick of computers right now.
*I want my long hair back
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| <3 |
[20 Oct 2006|12:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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happy |
] |
benny hos: "I have a girlfriend, whom I LOVE spending time with."
how sweet it is.
tonight benny took me out on a date! It was lovely. We walked from my place to the oriental and saw the science of sleep... which we both really liked a lot. the international film festival is coming up too, and he wants to go see more movies.
yay.
:)
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| shit son |
[02 Oct 2006|07:54pm] |
how do I have so many exams this week. it is absolutely terrible. I feel like an idiot... I don't know anything
life sucks
ahhhhg
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[18 Sep 2006|10:02pm] |
| [ |
music |
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accidents by alexisonfire |
] |
jess where are you when I need to talk to you? :-(
<3
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| petty ass |
[17 Sep 2006|02:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
things are really good- except for:
so if that's how things are going to be, I'll definitely be needing my black lacy tank top back that you wear every other day. yeah thanks.
If you have an issue that you feel the need to address... why don't you come to me... instead of me hearing that you "want to have a talk with me" from someone else.
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| squeeze my eyes so tight. |
[05 Sep 2006|11:47pm] |
| [ |
music |
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transatlanticism by death cab for cutie |
] |
this update is for you jess- since I never get the chance to talk to you anymore :-(
why do I always hear people breaking glass outside my window. There is so much glass all over the eastside. yuck.
September 3rd at a very early hour- benny and I decided to make it official. He is my boy. and I am happy as can be with him. It's crazy because I don't even know how to explain to him how happy he makes me- because when I was with tony, I didn't think this kind of feeling existed. This is too good to be true, but it is true.... AND I LOVE IT!.
classes started today. I had 4. ouch. After my first class: GROWING UP GAY (an english class), I went over to benny's... and he cooked me eggs for breakfast... how amazing is that. Then I had my A&PII class, which chanel is in :-). That was followed by me going over to benny's where he cooked me dinner- This boy is the best thing that has happened to me in such a long time. I really can't put into words how he makes me feel.
the song transatlanticism definitely has a new meaning for me cass.
i love you. i love you. i love you.
i miss you so much. just so you know.
<3
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| where'd you go? |
[25 Aug 2006|08:07pm] |
| [ |
music |
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where'd you go by fort minor |
] |
You're not gone yet, but I still miss you already. It's going to be tough not being able to call you- and talk to you- and hang out. that's what the internet is for. I guess january isn't that far away. I just wanted to say: have fun, be safe, and take LOTS of pictures. I love you.
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| insomnia? |
[21 Aug 2006|04:32am] |
it's 4:30am and I'm still awake. what is wrong with me. I should be dead asleep considering I hardly got any ((sleep)) last night. My legs are on crack right now- I think my circulation is off. benny is sleeeeping in my bed... why aren't I?!
today was insane. I felt like shit most of the day- the work party was pretty deece... and I hung out with chanel, april, benny, etc.
Jeni was supposed to come hang out with me, but she's doing exactly what she told me not to do- ditch her for boys. eh whatev. I'm over it. tomorrow is another day where I have no plans- so hopefully I'll get motivated enough to clean clean clean.
sleep would be good.
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[19 Aug 2006|10:10am] |
if i find out who smashed my phone, stole benny's camera and erin's keys... I will kill them.
thats. all.
no more parties.
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[17 Aug 2006|06:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
everything/everyone is pissing me off. I'm stuck in tosa, I have so much to do- I pretty much paid for all the alcohol- so I don't wanna hear shit from anyone. I'm tired. I'm crabby. It was slow as hell today at work. No one is answering their phones. I'm gonna be stuck cleaning everything otherwise it won't get done. Frank hasn't showered in a really long time-> and therefore stinks.
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| back to reality |
[15 Aug 2006|04:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 scared |
] |
so I just got scared out of my mind... benny and i were sleeping on my bed, and all of a sudden I wake up to a loud boom, apparently he started having a seizure and fell off my bed. I had no idea what to do- thank god he had called his brother earlier from my phone, so I called him right away to come over- hes passed out on my floor right now... but this has been one of the scariest things ever.
just to make this place suitable for benny, I must buy some gel cake frosting to keep on hand at all times, and I need to learn how to take his blood sugar.
:-( today even started out so good. but now I feel terrible. I'm so stupid, I should have made him something to eat- he's diabetic, he can't just not eat. I guess you learn something new everyday. I definitely learned a lot about him today... that's for sure.
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| im really really hungry. |
[15 Aug 2006|12:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
so there is definitely a cute boy named benny sleeping in my bed right now. If I had a digital camera right now I'd take pictures and show the world. he is adorable. and so far, he makes me really really happy.
Jeni and I went for a "3:30am rendezvous (sp)" this morning. we both couldnt sleep so we were sitting outside, and the moped that we all piled onto the night before now had an owner... so he took me and jeni for a little joyride. it was crazy... but fun.
im so hungry. why dont i have more zuccini bread??!!... hmmm
<3
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| i feel: |
[09 Aug 2006|05:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
sick to my stomach
sad
angry
bitter
lonely
and it sucks. a lot.
and the only one to blame is myself
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| look how low i've sunk |
[06 Aug 2006|11:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rise by azure ray |
] |
depressed. and I can't shake it off. I am so stupid. I can't take back what I've done. I wish I could. You were right. I'm only hurting myself. only hurting myself.
and it just won't stop hurting.
deep pain. very deep.
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| The whole world is moving, and I'm standing still |
[05 Aug 2006|03:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
world spins madly on by the weepies |
] |
I Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you and where you'd gone, and let the world spin madly on. Everything that I said I'd do, like make the world brand new, and take the time for you. I just got lost and slept right through the dawn, and the world spins madly on. I let the day go by. I always say goodbye. I watch the stars from my window sill. The whole world is moving and I'm standing still. Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. The night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on. I thought of you and where you'd gone, and the world spins madly on.
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| I miss you so. |
[02 Aug 2006|11:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
I hate missing him. I really do. He really wasn't very good to me- and maybe I wasn't good to him either. That still doesn't change the fact that I've been thinking about him constantly... and I miss him so much. He won't even talk to me. He tells me he'd feel uncomfortable... but if he claims he's seeing someone else, then what is the big deal...?
what to do. what to think. what to feel. I'm so confused.
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